Musings on the Kardashian Khristmas Kard

Studying art history at Georgetown and even in high school has trained me to analyze every single piece of art I see.  I don't look at many pieces of art.  I don't even check instagram more than once every couple of weeks.  But still.  Once you've had to somehow find deep philosophical meaning in a cave painting and justify it in a long-form essay, you get pretty good about inferring (read: totally guessing) what pictures can tell us.  This guessing process - the whole idea of making up a backstory for an image - is pretty fun, when you're not being graded on it.

I feel compelled to at least test my skills on what is clearly the most telling social commentary artwork of our time:  the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.  Here it is.  Isn't it...something? (I have nothing nice to say about this. Except for that it is a thing that exists. So...it's something.)

We first note that the Kardashians are stuck inside a refrigerator commercial, what with all the silver and white that's happening around them. Clearly, the subjects of this piece are caught in a game of albino Mario Kart, where there lives are represented by the number remaining balloons tied to their backs. DJ Rob has four lives. Younger Sister on the left's foot has one life.

The theme of physical struggle is also present in the clothing choices.  Younger sister on the right is obviously an ice skater caught mid-yawn, but not like a normal person yawn, like, a glamorous Kardashian yawn.  Joining her in the Kardashletes division is the baby in a tutu, who is actually kinda cute. She also looks terrified and I don't blame her.

Now, let's move on to the subjects of this piece. Clearly, Kim is the favorite child, as she's the only one whose white getup is embellished. It's got a studded pattern on it - a visual metaphor for piercings? a reductionist take on Ed Hardy tattoo designs?  I can't imagine that Kim's deviation from the all-white theme went unnoticed by her sisters. They care about petty crap like this (and we all do, because their tv shows are wildly successful and here I am writing about it.)

The composition of this artwork centers on faux English nobleman and babydaddy to Kourtney, Scott Disick. Scott seems very intent on showing us his ankles. Meanwhile, Bruce Jenner falls backward (his face, however, remains frozen in 1992.)

The monochromatic colors coupled with the wide range of subjects combines to create a highly dissonant image. (See? Told ya I can b.s. like a champ.) Examples of subtle irony are present in several different figures in the scene: The DJ is desperately enthusiastic, and yet NO ONE IS DANCING. Confetti is falling but never touching the ground - since, you may recall, that this scene is taking place inside a refrigerator commercial, and everything is uncomfortably clean.)   Bruce raises a toast but has no glass in his hand.  The cat is kasually hanging out inside a piece of furniture - even though it belongs to an assistant and died about a week ago.

The whole thing is overdone and cheesy and fabulous. The only thing missing? KANYE. The prop husband didn't stick around long enough to be immortalized in a Kard, but as Kimye is effectively one unit now (and the Kardashians never miss a chance to associate with another famous person), here's hoping Kanye makes his Kard debut in 2013.