Life's Minor Emergencies

Today is Columbus Day, a fake holiday established in remembrance of someone who unknowingly started a wave of sickness that nearly decimated a continent.  I'm spending the day making cole slaw for tomorrow's office picnic, hoping to avoid similar results.

But, really.  I am a decent cook - I just have mishaps rather often.  The most recent one is that- somehow- I can set off the fire alarm in my house when the stove isn't even on.  It's like it's watching me, and it knows when I'm cooking and decides to beep as a preemptive measure.  While most people exit the building when they hear a fire alarm, I just stand there and stare up at the blinking alarm with my "I told you not to do this!" face.

Elementary school trained us well both to accept Columbus Day as normal, and to leave the building calmly when you hear a fire alarm.  They also had storm drills and practice lessons on "stranger danger."  But if they really wanted to prepare us for adulthood, they should have had drills for other minor emergencies.  I submit the following:

1.  The "No, I can't drink that" drill:  Someone turns to you at a party and says "here, drink this!" while holding their red solo cup in front of your face. You might know this person, you might not.  You ask, "What's in it?" They respond, "eh, no idea, but it's good." if this is a person you've never met, go ahead and assume it's roofies, because if there's on thing I learned in middle school health class - it's that everything is always roofies, and bow out gracefully.  If the person is a friend, remind them you can't chance taking a drink because of your allergies.  If you don't have allergies, you can invent someone just this once to avoid drinking a mystery substance.

2.  The "I'm too sick to go to student health, but not sick enough to go to the hospital" first aid training:  Hunker down, drink some tea, call your mom.  No matter how many times your friends or roommates tell you that you should go, just to be safe, you MUST not give in.  Student health runs on the blood of students who have given up, because those are the students who won't protest when a nurse with four inch fingernails tries to ignore their insurance info and charge them $400 for getting their finger pricked, that is, assuming they stopped rolling their eyes and screaming about the latest episode of Who Wants To Be A Bachelorette Pageant-Toddler Hoarding Idol (I think that's what it is) long enough to actually jab your finger.  Sleep as much as possible, because no one tries to persuade a sleeping person.  If you get better - yay, you're better!  If you don't, go to the hospital.  The Georgetown EMS has more smarts in one of its ambulances than Student Health has in its entire building. 

3.  "Duck and cover, all my friends are getting married":  Immediately close out of Pinterest.  It will only give you a bizarre sense of guilt for being single and for drinking out of things that are not mason jars. Don't be swayed by its kitschy goodness - you have more to give to the world than melted crayon art or decoupaged thumbtacks.  Proceed to your nearest and dearest friends.  Have a good time.  Remember that they love you for you, and it's okay if you're not very good at adulthood right now.  Resist the urge to drop-kick the next person who asks if you're dating someone.  Instead, remain calm.  The nutella hidden in the back of your fridge can be used as an emotional flotation device.

4.  "While you studied abroad, I totally forgot your name":  Use context clues- who is this person with?  If you remember where they went, ask them "How was ____?" first, because everyone has fun abroad stories, and second, because it's nice to ask, and third, because it deflects from you not remembering their name if you do remember something else.  As with all emergencies, prevention is key - so do everything you can to remember names from here on out.  If I had started this freshman year, I wouldn't have people saved in my phone with titles such as "Drunkguy Harbinhall" and "Reallytalkative Atthesaladbar."

These are the things I wish I learned sooner - how to keep your chin up when life's minor emergencies hit.  What do you wish you'd had "drills" for?