If I Wrote a GUSA Platform...

The campaigns for GUSA President and VP are underway.  These people are all up in Red Square, all over facebook, knockin' on your door like Jehovah's Witnesses, and basically stalking undergrads in an effort to get their votes.  They have websites and twitter accounts and fancy schmancy logos.  The people running are all really quite impressive.

Guys, stop it.

Really.

I've been reading your platforms in an effort to do anything except homework.  They're politically correct.  They're very presidential.  They wind around the issues, trying really hard not to offend anyone.  So I'm gonna offend some people right here right now.

If I wrote a GUSA platform, this would be it:

The facilities department takes forever to respond to work requests.  It's not because they're underfunded.  It's not because there's an overwhelming number of requests.  It's because HONEY BADGERS DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  Walk in there on any given day and count all the people sitting in cubicles counting ceiling tiles or making sculptures out of paperclips.  They ignore work orders and no one holds them accountable.  So, make them accountable - when you submit a work order, you should know how far back on the list you are, and get an estimated date for work completion.

Meal plans are overpriced, and the dining hall has inconvenient hours.  Stop requiring people to purchase meal plans while they live in dorms.  The freshmen still will - sophomores and upperclassmen probably will get minimal plans, if they buy a plan at all.  But while half our undergrad population is required to buy a plan - Aramark knows it has a monopoly, which means it knows it can get away with sucking.  When we take away their monopoly, they may try to suck a little less.

The GoCard swiping system is a mess.  Yeah, nobody likes having to sign in your friends - especially since the sign in process takes forever and the security guard will inevitably give you a judgement face.  Lady, it's just a study group, chill.  But why the heck do I have to sign in people who have a GoCard?  Get the slack-jawed mouth-breathers over at the GoCard office to give everyone the ability to swipe in at any dorm until midnight - hell, two am - well, why not let us all swipe in whenever!  If you have any faith in admissions - trust them to let in good people, and then don't keep us like mice in a maze.

There is a lack of coordination between student groups.  Okay.  They don't have to coordinate.  You do not need to establish a committee to make them coordinate.  Committees are awful.  No one likes serving on them, and they don't get things done.  You can take your committees and stick 'em...in the business school.  I hear they do things in groups over there.  Maybe they could make this work.

DPS is the worst.  I watched them break up a snowball fight once.  It was a bunch of freshman just trying to enjoy the first snow of the season - and they had about ten cops ("cops") on them in no time.  Meanwhile, there are robberies and all kinds of things happening all over campus - but no, we MUST STOP THE SNOWY INJUSTICE.  DPS just isn't all that smart about stopping crime.  They do send us emails about it after it happens.  They're like the less-fabulous Perez Hilton of the crime world.  Cut DPS in half and invest the money we save in an investigations team to catch people who do all the laptop thefts and all the indecent exposure.  Go after these people - don't just send us dinky little updates on how the criminals are winning.

It's hard to reserve student space for meetings.  Make a google spreadsheet and link every club president into it.  There.  That was easy.



I am so proud of my friends who are running for GUSA offices - it just kills me to see people try to play in a system that doesn't always value honesty.  I'm not running - not playing in that system - so I can write down what I'm thinking (and what I bet a lot of other people are thinking, too).  Good luck to all the candidates - I know whoever wins this thing will do a great job of making GUSA do real and meaningful work for students.