If I Wrote the University Emails

...It would go a little something like this.  My edits are in bold.  Because they ARE bold.  Whoa...deep.






Georgetown’s Department of Public Safety rent-a-cop brigade has been advised by DC and Virginia law enforcement officials the real cops, the ones you actually have to listen to that protests people making cute little finger-paint posters are beginning to result in traffic disruptions on and around the Key Bridge. Officials intend to keep traffic flowing join the protests, because most of them are angry for no reason, however this is likely to impact traffic throughout the area.  Only a handful of students have cars; we just don't want anybody to pull a Harbin 9 and do something that will embarrass the university.


Non-essential employees of Georgetown University should contact their supervisors if this causes a need to leave early today you want to go protest, too, because we're too wimpy to ask you to continue doing your jobs. The University will remain open because this is a glorified drum circle, not an actual cause for concern.


GUTS buses will continue on normal operating routes, and will remain on schedule mow down hippies on the bridge to the best of their ability.