UnFriended

I was walking into my apartment yesterday when someone I barely know stopped me, got down on one knee, and said "Don't take this badly, but what does it take for me to be your facebook friend?"

Note to men: If you get down on one knee and your opening line is "Don't take this badly," then whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

I said, "Um, I thought we were facebook friends?" He looked all smug. "Well I added you, and we were friends for awhile, but now we're not friends, so I don't know what happened." It all came rushing back to me- the endless posts about random crap (him) and the frustration with the dust bunnies in my news feed (me).

Here's what happened: I unfriended you. Did you really think there was any other answer to "what happened?" Did you think Mark Zuckerberg had just randomly decided to intervene in our friendship? Did you think that maybe I sleep-facebook like some people sleepwalk and you were an unfortunate victim of my subconscious? No, honey, I unfriended you. Life's tough get a helmet.

This poor soul wasn't the first person to confront me about being unfriended. He - to his credit - did it right kinda, by just sort of joking about it and trying to assuage my guilt. I ended up just saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry! Add me back and I'll make sure I friend you back this time!" The whole thing was pretty chill, and dare I say it, friendly.

There are some people, however, who rebel against being defriended by waging a war of attrition. One day during the summer after I graduated high school, I was feeling especially sassy and chose to delete a bunch of people who suck. One of these people was a guy- a raging misogynist, mind you- who chose to add me again. I denied him. He added me again. I denied him again. He added me again. I denied him again. He added me for the FOURTH time and I gave up. I surrendered, but the terms of the truce were quite nasty: This guy posted on my wall something to the effect of "Wait, why weren't we facebook friends for so long? That's weird."

No, honey. It's not weird- it's intentional! You can be kind of a jerk and I don't want you knowing -and judging- what I'm up to here in college-land.

If you meet any of the following criteria, you are at an increased risk of being unfriended:

1. You really suck. If you're reading this- and I mean STILL reading this- you obviously don't suck. Carry on.

2. You post about Farmville more often than you exhale. I've spent hours upon hours of my life driving through Alabama. That, my dear, is Farmville.

3. You keep inviting me to Mafia Wars. If I ever wanted to be immersed in a world of Italians with slight homicidal tendencies, I'd host a family reunion.

4. I have no idea who you are.

5. You are a mom from my old neighborhood who keeps messaging me trying to get me to marry one of her stoner sons. This is a thing that happened. Sometimes I fear for America.

Okay that's it for now. Adios, and happy facebooking!