It's Not An Emergency If I'm Still Wearing Flip-Flops

As you may have heard, it's supposed to rain this weekend. People are losing their freaking minds. It's drizzling outside as I write this, and I just saw a grown man wearing a bucket hat and ski goggles. Briefly, a list of "safety tips" I've received in the past few days:

1. Put masking tape Xs across all of your windows to prevent flying shards of glass from stabbing you in the eyes. Thanks, Gawker. Because if it's really that bad, I'm not gonna evacuate or anything- I'll just be in my apartment, an open target for all stabby flying objects.

2. Stock up on bread and water. We all know that the more prison-ish your supplies are, the better chance you have of surviving. Except for me because bread would just kill me faster. I see you there Darwin.

3. Count all the emergency kits in your office. Thanks, work! Now if the apocalypse happens, I'll have plenty of "food" from 1998 to stare at while I starve. Oh, and thanks for the portable toilets! Because we can't expect any of the 50 restrooms in this building to exist after The Worst Rainstorm In The History Of Rain happens.

4. Seek shelter. Great thinking, Georgetown! Because I was totes planning on being a hobo this weekend but now I guess I'll reschedule. Bummers, am I right?

5. Buy 20 flashlights and duct tape one to each of your fingers and toes. Buy two more and stick them in your ears. Store additional batteries in your nose. Everyone knows that if you aren't visible from outer space, YOU WILL DIE.

6. In the event of a tornado, listen for the campus emergency whistle system. Hurricanes don't make tornadoes! Whoever sends these university emails needs to spend more time in the Beacon of Learning.

7. Place large sand bags outside the perimeter of your home. You need sand bags. Build a fort of sand bags around your loved ones. If you start to drown, begin snorting the sand.

8. Stock up on nonperishable foods, like SPAM and peanut butter. When you lose power, you will lose power forever and ever, and no more crops will grow in the puddle that used to be the East Coast. You say you don't like SPAM and peanut butter? You want some crackers or dried fruit, you say? I say TRISCUITS ARE FOR THE WEAK. You will die a whole-wheat death while us True Survivors create a SPAM-fueled new society.

9. Give blood. Give all of your blood. Give all of your blood right now. Just start bleeding.

As a part-time Gulf Coaster for most of my life, I can say in full confidence that a hurricane is really just a rainstorm that spins in a circle. The freakout is unnecessary. Stay calm- stay safe- stay away from SPAM. Hoya Saxa!