National Etiquette Week

Today marks the last day of National Etiquette Week. As anyone who has gone out in the world today will tell you, the event obviously didn't work. I am part of the select portion of the population that doesn't even need to go outside their homes to experience rampant rudeness. That's right, folks: I still live in a dorm. #firstworldproblems, I know, but it still sucks.

It's not cool when two people barge into your room carrying suitcases while you're asleep. So what if I wake up at 1pm? I still live there, fools! It's also not cool to be told that you must exit the place you live so that someone else can pack, and when you finally return, that person has still not begun to pack, and proceeds to tell you that you must also be exiled the next day for the same arbitrarily chosen hours. Listen up, fools. I pack like a fricking ninja- stealthily, quietly, and when nobody else is around- so as not to inconvenience anyone but myself. This is the principle on which etiquette rests: Organize your life so as to handle the messes you create so that other people will not be inconvenienced.

Now, I'm not saying that I always get etiquette right. But I do try. And lots of other people don't. Because this is my blog and I retain full rights to be a total betch about all matters that concern my little yuppie self, here are some other things I don't like about people:

1. CONVERSATIONS THAT ARE ALL SCREAMING AS LOUD AS I AM TYPING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! At four in the morning, I do not want to be woken up by your shrieks. If the building is on fire, I will make an exception. If you are simply whining at full volume about your Hot Pockets getting sizzled in the microwave, I will lay in my bed and wish the pain of a thousand flaming Hot Pockets upon ye who has dared to make his misguided desire for grade D meat everyone else's problem.

2. Grocery shoppers who can't drive. You wanna just sit your cart there in the middle of the dairy aisle? Really? So the rest of us can seethe while you contemplate cage free versus local versus organic eggs? Not only do other shoppers not care, but the chickens don't care, either- their job is done, you're looking it the products of it, just grab whatever and GTFO!

3. People who hear "The exam has now ended, stop writing and turn in your work" and think it means "You can keep working for the next five minutes while the lesser humans turn in their papers, because you are better than everyone else." It's graded on a curve. When you keep cranking away after time has been called, you cheat other students out of a fair shot at the test. I propose a solution to this pressing college issue: All the people who hand in their exams on time should, on their way out the door, have the right to smack all the kids who are still working. Let's turn that bitter trudge into a stride of pride.

Okay, so that's all I can think of at the moment. You can probably tell I am pretty bad about holding grudges. My body holds them, too. Got blood drawn a week ago and am still sporting what looks suspiciously like an elbow hickey. Awk. But in the spirit of being a betch, I'm giving up on trying to let things go and instead hoping that the rest of the world will be nicer.

Nahhhh not really. I just write rants like this as a way to relieve stress. And it worked. Happy Summer, everybody!