Tiger Blood

Disclaimer: This tale contains zero percent #winning. Today, I had to go get blood drawn at Student Health. I woke up in the morning, grabbed my Doc's orders for the tests, grabbed my GoCard and keys, and walked over to their office.

Then, things went wrong. The front desk assistants told me I would need a diagnosis code, and it sounded like "Girlyougogetyourdoctor!Onephoneotherphonefindnumberleaveamessage." Luckily, I am able to translate from the language of insanity. I am also aware of a nifty little thing called Google. Yes, I was able to search and find the info they needed in a swift .017 seconds with 518,290 results.

So they take me back into the exam room and make me put on a gown. The nurse took a look at my doc's orders and flat-out said, "Oh, I don't understand this!" and left me.

Ten minutes of shivering later, another nurse walks in and hooks me up to the EKG machine. This one's bedside manner consisted of "Oh, they got me using this new machine and I don't know what it's doin'!" Which is quite comforting to hear when there are a bunch of wires popping out of your chest. I assumed the paper coming out of the machine was a receipt for my soul, which I apparently sold to GU's Student Health Center.

Next comes the blood test. I had to talk them into giving it to me. Yes, the testing orders clearly ask for plasma. This nurse did not know that plasma is a part of blood. Are you smarter than a seventh-grade biology student? No, ma'am, you are not. UGH.

Reading is fundamental. Especially when you are reading blood test instructions. I sat there for ten minutes while two nurses tried to figure out what the words on my forms meant. They really should have googled it. Instead, they just guessed.

What did they guess, exactly? Nurse No-noggin guessed "all of the above." And started throwing her counterpart, Tweedle Dumb, fistfulls of blood tubes. NINE VIALS. I didn't know I had that much blood in me to begin with. And now the nurses have it, and I'm still regaining full use of my right arm. Tweedle Dumb tried to squeeze me like an orange. UGH.

This ordeal was only annoying, until Nurse No-Noggin made it embarrassing. How does someone make routine testing embarrasing, you ask? By calling you into a room where a good-looking guy is about to get his blood drawn, and then talking to me about urine samples. Really, lady? Attractive heterosexual males are an endangered species on this campus. And you chose that moment to quiz me about pee. Thanks.

In summary: If Student Health's medical "care" doesn't kill you, you might just die from embarrassment. Now I have to go google "how to make more blood." UGH.