Gluten-Free Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a girl who kept passing out, especially when she ate bread or pasta. This girl was really stubborn and wanted to prove, once and for all, that oh-yes-I-can-eat-all-that! So she started slow- housemate makes banana muffins and is sweet enough to offer me one? well don't mind if I do! By day three of bread-fest, the sleepy girl made a nine-inch pancake and ate it with her hands. Wasn't kidding about the stubborn thing. The very sleepy girl got really sick. So, she gave up gluten and lived happily ever after!

Kinda.

It's a little weird finding out that you're a glutard. That's probably offensive but whatever. It's embarrassing, but I think I was almost addicted to wheat! About a week into gluten-free living, I would have willingly stabbed someone for a Triscuit. I thought I was doing great on my first grocery trip, until I got all bummed out in the grits aisle because I can't eat those anymore without risk of cross-contamination. Two things here: First, I really hate the term "cross-contamination" because it makes me sound like a live in a petri dish. Oh wait, Village A, so yeah that's actually terribly accurate. And second, yes I know there are other things besides grits in that aisle but those other things don't matter, because I said so, so there.

I'm putting this on the blog because when you're the only one who can't have pizza or cookies, you tend to get some questions. I am not-and never will be- on some crusade to raise awareness about this diet. Quite frankly, I'd rather sweep it under the rug because I just don't want to be weird. I don't want to always be THAT girl asking about gluten in restaurants. I don't want to have to explain anymore why I can't eat a Twizzler or lick an envelope. Georgetown students sure do ask a lot of questions- and while I appreciate the concern (really!), I would appreciate it even more if I wasn't asked to explain myself in all the social situations that involve food. So once and for all, here's the story.

I finally got in to see a doctor, who told me that I did need to be gluten free. The test for these issues is- Noe Schitt - they knock you out with propofol and pull bits of your intestine out through your nose. My reaction to this in the doctor's office was somewhere along the lines of "Eh, let's not and say we did...'kay guys?"

Because when you knock me out with anesthesia, I'm not always very good at waking up. My mom can attest to this: When I had my wisdom teeth out, they wouldn't discharge me until some of the loopyness from the meds wore off. I was a groggy, giggly hot mess for a couple hours. Enter my mom, telling the nurses, "No, she's just really happy all the time! That's not the meds so can I have her back now?"

Side note: My mom is awesome.

So I wasn't really into the whole innards-through-the-schnoz procedure. The nurse's assistant said, "Oh, well you could just stay awake for it! Lots of people do that." What's next? "Oh, both your arms might spontaneously pop off of your torso, but you'll be fine." "Oh, gee, we're just gonna steal one of your kidneys and sell it on the Cambodian black market. Routine procedure." I was not having it.

What I am having is a lot of quinoa. And a lot of salad. And sometimes, even some nutella and french fries (shhhh nobody tell my jeans...) and going to yates and being really excited that I can run faster and stronger than I have in a long time!

Yes, I made g-free biscuits that sucked- literally sucked the metal coating right off the pan. And yes, I inhaled the icing off of a cupcake once because I just wanted some sugary goodness and it was right there in front of me gosh darnit! And yes, I do throw random vegetables in a blender, call it gazpacho, and figure the Spanish name makes it taste better. Trial and error, folks. Mostly error.

You know what happens when you start googling ingredients to see what you can and cannot eat? You find out that there's a whole community of gluten-free folks who function as a support group online. I am sure this is a great thing for people who live in the same area, or who are raising kids with different medical conditions and want to share advice. However, I don't think I can go about building internet friendships just because I don't eat wheat. Whaddaya know, my intestines don't work either! We have so much in common! Yeahhhhnope.

It was oddly predictive that I named this blog "Angela Eats the Garnish" - I feel like I should add "Because that's all she can eat!" But if I add that, I'd also need to add "And she likes it this way!" because before I went g-free, I had no idea I could feel this good. It's weird to think that this fall will be my first healthy semester of college- but I absolutely can't wait!