Let's start with this- the Bachelorette herself, Ashley, is nuts. Who thinks that taking fake wedding pictures is a fun date idea? Who thinks that it's okay to have potential suitors punch each other in a Thai boxing ring as they vie for your affection? Ashley does.
I have this theory that if you took any episode and subtracted the scenic shots of the ocean, guys making the male version of a bitchface, Ashley crying, eliminated Bachelors trying to stage their comeback, Chris Hansen being kinda useless, and commercials, you'd be left with about ten minutes of film.
That being said- I am addicted. We're now down to JP and Ben, and if Ashley doesn't choose Ben then 1) she is insane and 2) I will marry him. I know JP is cute and all, and that he really does seem to care about her, but he also sometimes has the personality of mayonnaise.
Ben, on the other hand, is a sexaaaayyy California winemaker. DO YOU HEAR ME ASHLEY DO YOU NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH A HUNK ON A VINEYARD? Ben likes baseball and makes her laugh and doesn't get jealous that Ashley is dating another guy (or another 24, whatevs) because, oh, you know, she is contractually obligated to do so. JP DID YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR? YOU SHOULDA KNOWN THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE THE ONLY GUY! Otherwise, it's would be "Awkward People Doing Poorly-Scripted Publicity Stunts" instead of "The Bachelorette."
Thankfully the finale airs just hours before we're due to default on our debt and spiral into an abyss of basically being owned by China. I'm glad to know that America's Swan Song involves pretty people, mawwage, and Chris Hansen's combover.
Editor's Note: If you tell me how it ends before the episode shows up on Hulu the next day, I will slice you.
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